My role as a Psychologist and Detoxification Specialist gives me special insights into people’s lives that are not usually revealed to others. I count this as a blessings and a privilege to be able not only to hear people’s deepest hearts, but also to speak so personally into their lives. One of the most common stories I keep hearing from women clients is how they have been trying to make healthy changes in their life but that their partners are being either unsupportive, or sometimes aggressively antagonistic.
The first point to realise is that making steps towards health and healing tend to involve the feminine energies of life – the alkaline side of life – the cooling side of life. This being the case, women are always the first of the two genders to embrace positive shifts in health whether it be yoga, meditation, or green juices. We clearly see this in any yoga class you go to, the seemingly universal ratio of 80:20 in the side of the feminine. We find this same ratio in the chemistry of ripe fruit, the chemistry of clean air and clean oceans, we even find the ratio in visitors to www.ourbotanicals.com. There is no doubt that the male gender will follow in time, but their resistance to this new way of healthy living can be painful for the female partner.
The second point to realise in these situations is that the male resistance to your positive life changes are based not in his passionate love of meat and potatoes as he may claim, but in his fears. Many men these days have long lost their purpose in life that would have them become warriors, and have sunk into a grudging acceptance that they are powerless to fight for what they love. In psychological terms we call this ‘learned helplessness’. If your man shows you any level of un-love or disrespect, you can be assured that this is because he feels the same way towards himself. As conscious and unconscious self-loathing grows it beings to not only be dealt out as internal, negative self-talk, but that self-loathing is dealt out to the rest of the world also as one seeks someone other than themselves to blame. So although it is no consolation, know that for every negative word he says to you, he says it countless times to himself.
When you start making changes in your life – going to yoga, buying a juicer, going running with your friends etc – your man may be reminded how he has failed to make those same choices for himself. Every man remembers that when he was young he was strong willed, passionate, and lean – and he certainly remembers how he let his health and happiness go, along with his youthful purpose. His unhealthy lifestyle patterns now are simply ways to push down his hurts, and distract himself from feelings the guilt and disappointment he has for himself. He knows at least at an unconscious level that these positive steps you are taking is exactly what he needs to do also. It is this strain caused by the tension between what his heart knows and his fear of feeling his hurts that make him cling to his old, negative ways.
The other aspect is of course that a man in this situation wants to keep his woman dependant upon him so that his great fear of being left alone will not play out. One way in which he can keep you dependant upon you is by playing on your own fears of being unlovable. When you begin to love yourself, this is a huge threat not only because you may now realise how negative he is in your life, but also because now you will be realising that you can do a whole lot better!
So you have two options.
1) Leave your man with your head high, eyes to the horizon and your heart full of love for yourself and everyone in it. Feel the freedom that comes as the reward for courage.
2) Love him more. Your man needs serious nurture to heal his broken heart. He needs to feel totally safe in your love to be able to start addressing the hurts and fears that are causing him so much pain. This is how the beauty of a woman can heal a broken man – by loving him in a way that he feels he can open up to you fully and reveal his vulnerability. Be careful and be aware that this may take a long time.
To be honest, I am huge a fan of breaking up because I have never yet found a life situation in which people are inspired to make more positive changes in their lives than when they suddenly realise that the best thing in their life just walked out. It can be liberating for you and it can be inspiring for him.
So meditate upon this. Send him love and light. And then do what is right for you.
If you feel you need help with your relationship or your own journey of health and healing then never hesitate to get in contact with us and we will consider ourselves blessed to work through this with you.
Remember, all tissue can be Regenerated, all hurts can be Forgiven & all lives can be brought into Wholeness.
ROHAN CALLANDER BA(hons), MPsyc, D.S.
General Manager & Health Consultant